Listening is the key to heal relationships

Posted on by Ma Durga

How to complete a frustrated and angry teenager with her mother?
How to heal their relationship?

That was exactly what I did last week for a lovely mother and her teenage daughter when the mother sincerely requested me to help them complete with each other and heal their past hangovers. Through this experience, I discovered quite often parents and their children became incomplete with each other when there was a lack of listening and poor communication.

If you look in, you will notice that you have stopped listening to you. When was the last time you really listened to your own words? Most of us are caught by the ‘Doing’ and ‘Having’ in the society, we forget about ‘Being’. As a result, we never ever really listen, either to ourselves or to others. The problem is the moment we don’t have listening, we start coming to our own conclusion even before the information is cognized in us, either by rejecting that person or taking that person as a big threat – both will lead us to suffering. When we experience the words we utter to ourselves and to others as the extension of our life, they directly affect us.

Non- listening to self is the start of many conflicts in relationships, we become arrogant and insensitive to others. That mother was able to relate with this revelation as she had been busy running after her job, clocking long working hours and gradually becoming very demanding in her expectations toward her daughter and family. Her daughter has always been introverted, did not open up to her mother and instead she suppressed the frustration and anger within her for years. The explosion of anger happened on her 16th birthday and it was the worst birthday party she ever had.

See, when the words uttered by us are not listened to, the completion space is disturbed. If the person to whom we are talking is not in the space of listening, the ideas we want to express will never be delivered. It may lead to an argument, but it may never lead to intelligence transfer. In arguments, information can be transferred, only in listening can intelligence be transferred.

The fascinating thing when we start listening to our self is we will naturally become more aware of the words we utter to our self and others. We will also have the ability to listen to other’s words with integrity. In Vedic tradition, the first step in Hindu spiritual practice is Sravana – integrated listening. With Sravana, we will automatically be able to speak into the listening of others and hence communicate to enrich ourselves and commune to enrich others as well.

My Guru, a living Avatar, Paramahamsa Nithyananda (fondly known as Swamiji) shares that listening makes you God. Just by listening you experience God. Any transmission of knowledge, energy or experience happens between a master and disciple only when the disciple gives his or her listening. One needs intelligence, the space of completion to listen. Unless you start living completion, you will not even be able to maintain listening. Completion brings listening to you. He says that right listening means allowing the words to enter your inner space automatically, letting them cognize, without you constantly interfering with your incompletions, is listening. Pure listening is God, only then you will also be able to learn and give the right meaning.

The next level of expansion in relationship happens when a disciple sits in completion with his or her master with listening, this process is called Upanishad (just sitting) – this is the subtlest and most powerful of all communications – this is when communication becomes communion. This beautiful space of communion requires complete completion with each other and a deep trust. I can say that I truly experience this communion with my son after bringing completion and integrated listening with him. Every parent should experience this dimension of life with their child. The mother was so inspired by this higher possibility of experiencing communion with her teenage daughter that they both agreed to work on providing listening and open communication with each other. I could see their spirit and hope were lifted after this completion as I witnessed a beautiful flowering of healing in their relationship.

In essence, to all the parents out there, if you want to have a fulfilling relationship with your child, start providing integrated listening to them. With authentic listening, communication starts and completion can happen between both parent and child. Catch it! Namaste 😀

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About Ma Durga

Teo Siew Yong draws from over a decade's worth of experience in the Vedic healing, science of Yoga and mediation to share the sacred knowledge and experiences of self healing and self discovery with people who are ready to look within.