I wrapped up the year of 2018 feeling so relieved and grateful for having completed a year of tumultuous ride and drastic change in many aspects of my life. There were certain things which I had put off for a while, they were getting fulfilled as the timing was right and my inner space was ready. I’ve also experienced that there are no failures in life, there are only life lessons to be learned designed to make us wiser, stronger and more resilient. Just like a diamond getting polished to its sparkling radiance, I felt that I was getting polished by the Cosmos last year.
So, what were my lessons last year?
1. Have courage to go through the tests in life
In the first 6 months of 2018, I felt that the very ground I was standing on was literally removed from me. It was a period of great loss – losing those things which I held as my cosy security in life – the savings, private apartment and 21-year marriage. For the first time, I plunged into a deep insecurity with the uncertainty of my future with my 15-year-old son. As the acid wash was happening inside me, I allowed myself to experience the emotional ups and downs with awareness. However much the intensity of the test may be, still there is one part of me which remains untouched by the happening outside. It was during such moment of intense trials and tribulations, I could truly attest to the blessings of all the initiations and powerful cognitions from the spiritual programs I attended with my Guru, Paramahamsa Bhagawan Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam (fondly known as Swamiji). The last spiritual retreat I attended in December 2017 – Mahasadashivoham, created such a powerful inner space that I was able to withstand the tests in life with tremendous courage and power. There was no iota of doubt in my Guru although I did wonder why I had to go through such tests. But one thing I realized was that the whole psychodrama was happening on his divine lap as I underwent the surgery of removing the tumour of my ego by the Master surgeon. The anaesthesia that took away the pain and suffering came from the pure devotion to the Guru and a deep surrender to life. At the end, I just knew I passed the test triumphantly with flying colours.
2. Take responsibility to reclaim my freedom
The next lesson I learned was how to complete with my spouse after 21 years of marriage. When the infidelity came to my awareness in March 2017, I knew the time had come for me to face this incompletion which I had been avoiding for many years. My first response was disappointment for the lack of integrity to the sacredness of the marriage vow which I honoured. I also felt responsible for not able to bring completion and fulfilment to him in this relationship. It is time to complete and liberate both beings so that each one of us can move on with our life.
Swamiji once said that extramarital affairs clearly show disrespect to another being. Nobody has the right to disrespect another being. When a spouse disrespects the feelings of another person, he reduces her to a mere commodity. If you see her as a being, you will realize how much she has contributed to your life. It is a clear lack of responsibility in the behaviour.
In Tantra shastras, relationship means really feeling grounded, knowing that person is there for you. It is not about the number of calls you make to that person nor the amount of time you two spend together. Relationship means knowing you have that person for you forever and the person knows he or she have you forever. It is a feeling of ‘groundedness’ – which was missing in this relationship.
For several years, I could feel that my being is already a brahmacharini (renunciate) as a natural spiritual evolution, so staying in a married life was becoming very awkward for me when my spouse is not in tune with this new space. So eventually when the subject of separation was raised, I was ready to let go of this relationship and start new life with my child. I was ready to take responsibility to reclaim my freedom as a conscious being. I only feel thankful to him for raising my consciousness and bringing me to completion with my karma in relationship through the death of this marriage.
3. Being authentic to who I am
The last important lesson is being truly authentic to who I am by revealing all the truth about me to the people who live in my space. The people in my space who are able to understand me, will have me and a relationship with me grow together. Those people who judged me with arrogance and ego, they eventually moved away from my space. Frankly, I rather live in reality than in an illusionary relationship filled with bondage. With authenticity, I experience a tremendous restful awareness and freedom. For the first time, I am truly living my life – an authentic life at my terms! It is the same understanding I give to my child, I allow him to explore who he is and let him flower into a conscious being with independent thinking. We are enjoying a new divine life as conscious being manifesting the state, space and powers of Paramshiva (Super Consciousness). Swamiji once told us that whenever we are truthful and open, Existence will reveal its truth through us. I couldn’t have agreed more to this revelation!
So, what were your lessons in 2018? Look in and you will see what life is trying to teach you. Namaste! 😀