In the path of spiritual awakening, one of the things we have to go beyond is the fear of the Unknown. During December 2013 Inner Awakening program in Bali, a 21-day spiritual retreat conducted by a living avatar, Paramahamsa Nithyananda (fondly known as Swamiji), I realised that I have a tremendous fear of the Unknown, a fear of my own possibilities. At that time, I didn’t know how to complete with this fear but I did acknowledge this fear of Unknown in me.
Swamiji, my Guru (the dispeller of darkness) has been working on this dimension of our awakening since 2015 when he started the Upanishads (ancient Vedic scriptures) discourses. Just by imbibing the truths from the Source, a major cognitive shift has started to happen in me coupled with his initiations into Shivoham in December 2014, Nithyanandoham in December 2015 and the most recent Suddhadvaitam process in Kumbh Mela, Ujjain in May 2016.
This week, I started a process of Manifesting Powers training conducted by one of Swamiji’s ordained Acharya (teacher), Mahayogini Nithya Mahayogananda. She explained that the muscle memory we carry comes from the father’s component while the bio memory we carry comes from the mother’s component in the process of creation. The bio memory refers to the way we cognise our self (whether it is conscious or unconscious, right or wrong, complete or incomplete). There is at least 20% of the mother’s bio memory still sitting within us which we need to complete and drop. Swamiji said that unless we awaken our bio memory by changing the cognitions we carry about our self, we will continue to exist in an unconscious way. Constantly we carry a feeling that life is difficult, a feeling of being beaten and abused by life and blaming life and we create hell for ourselves. So the first task we were given was to investigate the fear of Unknown which was correlated with my mother’s spiritual relationship with the divine, God and the Unknown.
I grew up in a village (kampong) in Singapore surrounded by cemeteries and Nature in the 70’s. As Taoists, we had both family deities and ancestors tablet which my mother offered prayers and rituals diligently. She would grow chickens at the backyard of our house and slaughtered the poor chickens during festivals as offering. I remembered I always ended up being her assistant in the slaughtering of chickens as my other siblings would run away from it. She would make me hold the chicken’s legs while she did the killing. I would spare the gross description of the slaughtering here but I always felt petrified by witnessing the cruelty done to the chickens just to please Gods. During the festivals, she would cooked up a storm and demanded the family to help. She would often become angry if things did not turn out the way she wanted. I dreaded those festivals because it was literally a torture for me and my siblings. Without understanding the context of what she was doing because she never spoke about it except blindly following what she was told by her parents or others. I only saw her beliefs as a blind faith filled with fear and greed – like a bargain with God by pleasing them. I never really understood why we had to do these rituals, so meaningless filled with hypocrisy. I was so delighted when we finally moved to public housing in an apartment because I was liberated from seeing the chickens being killed. As a result, I developed certain resistance towards rituals and have low patience for long rituals which do not resonate with me.
I couldn’t relate with the family deities let alone following the rituals. To me, they were just a picture! Just going through the meaningless rituals was dreadful for me. I felt that people go to God only for begging for something in life. I was not spiritual at all in the growing up years, even though I explored other religions but none of them resonated with me. Till my early 30’s, the only Divine form I prayed to was Quan Yin – the Cosmic Mother of Taoism and I would seek refuge at the largest Quan Yin temple in Singapore. There were simply too many questions about myself, world and God that remained unanswered, I was carrying a fear God and the Unknown.
When I first met Swamiji in 2006, who is the embodiment of Cosmos, my fear got triggered – the fear of Unknown! It was only after being initiated into the Science of completion and living this truth – I am divine (Shivoham) that I am able to start seeing my divine self.
Two nights ago, when I did the assignment given by Ma Mahayogananda i.e. to complete on the clash between my idea of God vs. my mother’s idea of God and the fear of the Unknown, I was able to see everything my mother did was based on her intelligence and frequency at that time. Her connection with God was through ritualistic offering. To her, she did what she knew with sincerity and devotion. She did not have the grace of an enlightened master to shed light in her, that was her way of relating with Divine. After the completion, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for her because she added a different perspective to me in relating with God. I remember Swamiji once said that every faith, belief and connection with Divine, however raw, is a possibility for that being to evolve which should be encouraged with love and respect.
My connection with God is through the love from the Master and having Guru Bhakti towards Guru from feeling of gratitude and love, completing the cycle of love into Self in Advaita with Him. From my mother’s life, one thing I did learn was being diligent in my rituals like Guru puja which I never miss unless I am on the road. I am grateful to my mother for that bio memory. The great thing is she never interfered in my choice of religion, beliefs and faith, as such we didn’t have to fight on this aspect of my life. I completed with the differences with understanding and surrendered everything at the Guru’s feet. When I sat with myself in silence this morning, suddenly I experienced a click that I AM the UNKNOWN – the SELF! This revelation created a remembrance that I came down to play and enjoy the leela (divine play) with Self. Over! I just relaxed into the silence of Existence. Sadashivoham! 😀